We call ‘em “signatures” here in China — status bar messages as is known elsewhere around Planet Terra. We’re pulling out the very best of the “signatures” from the Beijing Evening News and are providing a quick translation attempt. Enjoy!

• There is no distance further on the planet than the fact that I’m online — and you’re offline. It’s further than the distance between life and death. (世上最遥远的距离，不是生与死的距离，而是我联机，你却是脱机)

• Mom asks: You smoke? No. You drink? No. Got a lover? No. Mom goes: You can have one of those. And I go: I swear, I don’t have one! (妈问抽烟没？没有。喝酒没？没有。妈问有对象没？没有。妈说，这个可以有，我说，这个真没有)

• The Moon goes on a date with the Sun. Progress! They’ve turned off the lights! (月亮和太阳约会，这次有进步，灯都关了)

• Our prices are closer to Europe; our house rates are closer to astronomical figures; our salaries look African! (物价与欧洲接轨，房价与月球接轨，工资与非洲接轨)

• Mirrors will always reflect… and money will always be spent. (This is a play on Chinese characters — which is why it appears so “bland” in English.) (是镜子，总会反光的……是金子，总会花光的)

• I want a boyfriend that’s like Excel: hide at will, choose at will, delete at will… and if I don’t like him, I won’t save him! (找个像 Excel 的男友——想隐藏就隐藏，想筛选就筛选，想删除就删除，一个不高兴，我还不保存!)

• I nearly got squashed into a photo in the Subway this morning. That doesn’t sound that bad! Even worse: having my photo taking with an ugly man… (今天早上地铁里，我差点被挤成照片，其实照片还不是最可怕的，最可怕的是和恶心的男人拍合影)

If you’re really into Chinese — have a go!